...the wild Journey...
Ohh ya i'm tanned! well i guess i better be seeing as i was in florida for a week! wel it was nice and busy. It was fun dont get me wrong but not very relaxing for me..well it was relaxing but yet i was warnen out and tired when i came home and stil am. But ya, umm it was awsoem i had an amazing group or gurls in my cabin and i had a fun week with them. I watched as God moved throughout the week, and that was soo glorious! i loved it! I love our God!
Anywase, well i am back home now and back i guess to the real life. WOW do i not miss that for sure! So i was suppose to be moving in om april 1st with a friend and it was a perfect place and location! but she is bailing and i cant pay on my own. So i am not looking/praying for a housemate. I would love to have someone who i already know but if not then oh well God will make things work. So i have until the second week of april to try and find one but if i dont then i dont...i guess....God has other plans for me.
Oh yes and in other news. Ryan and i are growing closer. We definitly went out on a date and such...so in other words we are kindda moving our relationship but VERY VERY slowly. I am soo not wanting anything right now but yet this doesnt feel stressful or anything it is just happening. NO force no like akward convos or anything. it is awsome!!
It goes along with what God is teaching me with this hole dont over analyze or read into things too much. And life a simple life and what that looks like for me. This is one thing that i am not doing is wanting to pruse this "relationship," Simply I am just letting it happen. Whooo which adds so much to it but it sure is hard thats for sure. i want to just turn to him some days and be like "kiss me" but no thats not good. I need to be diciplined. ha ha ha anywase, life is weird. lates.
whats this mean?
Well wow alot has happened this week already!
I'll do a short re cap for ya.
Dave- I think we are offically over. We have been on a break for three weeks and he didnt know what he wanted to do..as of last friday and soo we were supose to meet on wednesday yesterday..but he didnt show up. so we're over. ! I am not putting up with crap all the time. ya, so thats rough but yet at the same time God has taught me so much abotu me through out this. SO ROCK ON I"M SIGNLE!!!
Work-well i am looking for a new job cause i cant work at the Y in the summer in concret walls and such. No i cant. i need sun soo i am looking for a new job that is outside. I have applied at about three in stratford. i really hope to get one. That would be sweet!
Family-well grandma is doing alot better she is now able to walk on her own and she got her stint out. so she is well. My mom and dad are doing ok. Dad isnt doing well health wise and mom well i think she has an eating disorder, i have recently been seeing signs of one so pray for that!
House-Well i am moving out!!!! i got my own place well i ahev a room mate and that will be great fun! right downtown above the almighty famous toy store. So i move in April first but i think i will wait until later seeing as i am doing the 30h famine the nite b4.
Friends-Do have these? Well lets just say God is walking me through a time of lonlyness and whatnot. Even when i was with my friends well until, tuesday. That day was differnt i was for some reason myself. strange. Anywase, speaking of tuesday i got together with a friend who i ahvent seen ion like 15 years. Ohh my and we hit it off. and ya for any of you math go'ers yes we were friends whenw e were 5-6 ish so ya geting together was alot of fun. We sat in Tim hortons for 6 hours. Oh my who does that!?! but we did realy hit it off and he made me laugh so much. He is an awsome guy and i am glad we connected again and i am sure this timewe wont loose touch with one another so easily! HE and i are still very much the smae ppl and yet we are grown up. Its cool!
Random- i am going to flordia soon. i leave saterday and i will be going down as a leader with YFC. i am so stoked. i cant wait. now if only i can remember to get money! crap! i forgot again! ohh man. Umm...other news....well...there isnt much i am tired. and i need to sleep but i cant i gtg to teach aqua fit agian. Boo and yea at the same time. Well keep me in your prayers.
misunderstand.
All i want to do is swear.
All i think is about how i want to say the f word a million times.
But instead i seat here and just think it.
All i want is for someone to feel how i feel
All i think is that i want to hurt someone.
But instead i seat here and just think it.
All i want is to go back in time.
All i think is how could i do this.
But instead i realize that i cant do anything.
All i want to do is make sense and understanding of this.
All i think is there has to be a reason.
But instead i realize that i cant do anything.
I am hurt.
I cry.
My heart aches.
I try to push this all out.
I am learning, i say to myself
I can get thorugh this,
I try to say repeatedly thinking the more i say it the more it will become true
I feel torn, not knowing what to do.
I am sad.
I am angry.
I am feeling something that i have nevr felt before.
I care so much but yet i just want to give up,
But do i really want to?
Can i work through this?
Has my journey hit a rough road where i ahve to choose to sink and eventually swim or swim slow and gradually become faster.
I dunno what to do.
But what i do know is i cant deal with this pain.
I hurt and i scream out in pain.
Are you listening to your child suffer?
Why wont you do something?
You are a God of faithfulnes and i know you are here with me.
But sometimes its just hard to see you.
I am and have been weak for so long riding all on you.
Not knowing what to do.
Yes you are teaching me beacuse i know there is good in every situation.
But i am so confused and hurt i cant see it.
God save me.
God craddle me in your loving arms.
And remind me that,
Better is ONE day in your courts than thousands else where.
God rescue me!
I draw near to you.
Sort me out God.
Cause i have a hope that one day you will say to me well done my child
You dont give me anything i cant handle
so i know i can get through this
but sometimes i feel its impossible
But with you nothing is impossible.
Encourage me Oh Mighty Encourager.
Teach me Oh Mighty teacher.
Guide me Oh Mighty leader.
When i am wreaked for you.
take me. I cant do this without you, and i know that.
But the pain is still there.
My heart still crys.
Help.
